Long ago lived a seaman named Captain Bravo. He was a manly mans man who showed no fear in facing his enemies. One day, while sailing the seven seas, a lookout spotted a pirate ship and the crew became frantic. Captain Bravo bellowed, Bring me my red shirt. The First Mate quickly retrieved the Captains red shirt and, while wearing the bright frock, he led his mates into battle and defeated the pirates. Later on, the lookout spotted not one, but two pirate ships. The captain again howled for his red shirt and once again vanquished the pirates. That evening, all the men sat around on the deck recounting the days triumphs and one of the them asked the captain: Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before battle? The captain replied: If I am wounded in the attack, the shirt will not show my blood, and thus, you men will continue to resist, unafraid. All of the men sat in silence and marveled at the courage of such a manly mans man. As dawn came the next morning, the lookout once again spotted not one, not two, but TEN pirate ships approaching. The rank and file all stared in worshipful silence at the captain and waited for his usual reply. Captain Bravo gazed with steely eyes upon the vast armada arrayed against his mighty sailing ship and, without fear, turned, and calmly shouted: Get me my brown pants.
A young journalism graduate from Arkansas had gone to work for the New York Times. His first assignment was to write a brief human interest story. An idea came to him and he returned to one of the most remote areas he knew of in his home state of Arkansas. Deep in the woods, he came upon a farmers house and decided this would be a good place to start. He introduced himself to the back country farmer and explained why he was there. The farmer (named Farmer Mahon) agreed to answer his questions. The reporter asked the farmer what event in his life had made him the happiest? Farmer Mahon replied, One time a neighbor lost one of his sheep. We all formed a posse and found it. After we all screwed it we took it back to the farmer that lost it. I cant print that, said the reporter, Is there another event that made you really happy? Farmer Mahon thought for a minute and said, Yep. One time the daughter of another local farmer got lost. She was a good-lookin young girl. We all formed a posse and found her. After all of us screwed her, we took her back to her daddy. Again the reporter knew he couldnt print the story and decided to take a different tack. He asked Farmer Mahon, Is there any event in your life that has made you really sad? Farmer Mahon hung his head and replied, Well, I got lost once.
An autopsy professor was giving an introductory lecture to a class of students. Standing over a corpse, he addressed the class: There are two things you need to succeed in medical forensics. First, you must have no fear. Having said that, he shoved his finger up the corpses anus and licked it. Now you must do the same, he told the class. After a couple of minutes of uneasy silence, the class did as instructed. Second, the professor continued, You must have an acute sense of observation. For instance, how many of you noticed that I put my middle finger up this corpses anus, but licked my index finger?
A young guy from Texas moves to California and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager says, Do you have any sales experience? The kid says, Yeah, I was a salesman back home in Texas. Well, the boss liked the kid so he gave him the job. You start tomorrow. Ill come down after we close and see how you did. His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the boss came down. How many sales did you make today? The kid says, One. The boss says, Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for? The kid says, $101,237.64. The boss says, $101,237.64? What the hell did you sell? Kid says, First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fish hook. Then I sold him a larger fish hook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was gonna need a boat, so we went down to the boat department and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didnt think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Blazer." The boss said, A guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck? Kid says, No, he came in here to buy a box of tampons for his wife and I said, Well, your weekends shot, you might as well go fishing.
A teacher asks her students to discuss what their dads do for a living. Little Mary raises her hand first and says, My dads a lawyer for the government. He puts the bad guys in jail. Little Jack goes next: My dads a doctor. He makes sick people better. All the kids in the class take their turn except Little Walter. The teacher asks him, What does your dad do? Walter replies, My dads dead. Im sorry to hear that. What did he do before he died? He turned blue and shit on the living room carpet.
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